Originally published at bankrupt artist v.3. You can comment here or there.

Fark’s annual headline competition has some great candidates;

Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead

Peephole in door of girl’s dorm room reversed; police are looking into it

Baghdad’s National Museum reopens six years after looting. Featured displays include mostly a bunch of really heavy stuff

Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there’s your problem

Carpenters face higher-than-average asbestos death rate, higher-than-average resurrection rate

Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it’s “linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire.” Submitter suspects the answer may be “Not any more”

Man at Panda Express eats shoots and leaves

One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away

Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off

Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens…well, no worse off, really

Fire officials in SoCal wildfires: “GTFO.” Residents: “STFU.” Fire: “NOM NOM NOM.” Residents: “OMG.” Fire department: “DIAF”

80-ton wave generator works briefly as advertised when it falls into the ocean

That foot found at a NY recycling center? Turns out it belonged to a bear. You’d think police could recognize a bearclaw when they see one

http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=4605340
India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in

Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984

Gas blowing out exit brings 69 to a complete halt

Jesus prepares to receive Oral

Bolivian animal rights activists succeed in banning circuses from using animals, but now have to figure out what to do with 22 useless lions, a problem Detroit has faced for years

Small plane rapidly plunges into bottom end of Virgin Islands, to be renamed Technical Virgin Islands

Semi-nude Victoria’s Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you’ve already clicked the link, haven’t you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she’s doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning

Originally published at bankrupt artist v.3. You can comment here or there.

The National post has a series of section pages that are covered in printed post-it-notes offering tips on how to live the good life. While there are some interesting and amusing pieces, like “How to perform the Heimlich on a cat” and “Know how to pull off a con, most of them are silly or obvious or insane.

The obvious advice includes “Price does not equal value” and “Try before you buy” which I can’t imagine any human being surprised be. Of course, they trot out the insane with a four page spread of astrological predictions – two full columns of garbage for each of the twelve zodiac signs. According to the Capricorn columns, I started a journey in 1989 to reinvent myself… I’m thinking that this astrologer knows their target audience is rather older than I am. There are a couple other specific years mentioned that don’t line up with anything either. Everything else is boringly generic; extended travel, good but not all good financially, good but not all good at work, good but not all good at home… about the same as all the other signs…

There’s one that offers the tip “Know how to make a Caesar (not the salad!)” and that’s fine, if stupidly simple. I’d change it to “Know how to make a Caesar salad dressing from scratch, including the anchovies” as I think that is something much more refined than some tomato based drink.

Don’t try to learn something new after 40

The writer urging people to accept their fate and die stupid begins with “The entry into early middle-age (44) has coincided with a move to the real Canada (five years in Toronto doesn’t count), where people ski, skate and speak French.” REAL CANADA? Of all the other stories I saw in the dead-tree version, this is the only one that I went online to comment on at first.

I also went to comment on the piece offering medical advice in the form of “When all hope is lost, PRAY”, but after reading the comments, my points had already been mostly addressed by others. The comments from True Believers are an interesting bunch;

God bless you Marcella Dubuque, sounds like a good Acadian French Catholic name to me. I am from New Brunswick, of Scots-Irish descent that loves all Christians. It is a pleasure to read this type of praise report in a post modern newspaper. It seems these days that most news journalists are either atheists or at least secular-agnostics and therefore adverse to publishing an article such as this so I also say God bless you, Jo-Anne MacDonald (MacDonald is my wife’s maiden name, by the way) for writing this article and also The National Post for publishing it. People need to have their faith in God encouraged and miracles like this being so generously published helps to accomplish that.

Nothing like someone writing under the nickname “The Nationalist” going on and on about regions and nations and God…